The Thurber lede

If you haven't seen one in the wild recently, here's a well-formed Thurber lede ("Dead. That's what the man was...") from Michigan Public Radio last week.

Double-thumbing

Any lede of the form "and then there were [n]" is presumptively a thumb lede, so there's one line you can save. But pause a moment on the second paragraph: yes, that's how this sort of tournament works. You could actually begin at the third paragraph with no damage to the integrity of the story -- the rare double-thumb lede.

Also time for the annual reminders: No "still dancing." No "sweet" or "elite" in headlines. And a particular point for this year: Basketball as a rule involves 10 players on the court at a time (five per side). In any game scheduled for this weekend, then, at least nine, and perhaps as many as 10, of the players on the court at any given time are not Zion Williamson. Please adjust all broadcast commentary accordingly.

No, but thanks for asking

Given the frontpage play in both local dailies Saturday (and on the radio Friday), it's worth asking: Is it OK to indulge in fake news when the cause is good and your intentions are pure?

For those of you outside the immediate area, Macomb County is dealing with some fairly serious problems stemming from the collapse of a sewer line and the resulting risk of sewage spills (the request to hold down water use came last week). Hence, the top of today's Freep:

More Lady Gaga watching and less toilet flushing in central Macomb County during halftime of Sunday's Super Bowl.

Well, that's not exactly what* County Public Works Commissioner Candice Miller encouraged today, but she is urging residents in 11 communities affected by the Dec. 24 sewer interceptor collapse and sinkhole in Fraser to restrict water usage.

And the point is?

That means during the big game and what is known — either in reality in some places or urban legend in others — as "The Big Flush."


Sadly, no. The reason a "big flush" associated with a broadcast event is an urban legend in some places is that it's an urban legend, period -- according to Snopes (frequently cited in the numerous stories debunking the myth), one that dates to the days of "Amos 'n' Andy" on the radio. But some fictions, under some circumstances, are just too hard to resist.

As football fans head to their bathrooms en masse during the Super Bowl halftime — residents in northern Macomb County may want to hold it. Or at least not flush.

The News's presentation is less adolescent than the Freep's,** but it relies on the same underlying misperception: Why would you think people wait until halftime to use the bathroom? And it raises the same question: Given that the event is true (there is such an official, and she did make such a plea), and that it's in the public interest to pay attention to the underlying situation, are you justified in drawing attention to the matter by putting a bogus claim on the front page?

I'd like to think not. If nothing else, we hardly seem to have run out of true stuff to say about the sinkhole matter. For another, what you print tends to set the boundaries of what you consider credible; a high proportion of Bigfoot stories suggests that you should be very careful around those friendly games of chance. I'm all for printing what Commissioner Miller said:

“I hope everybody enjoys themselves and has a great time. Just be cognizant of how much water you’re using. That’s going to be a very high water usage day.”

... as long as we note that it's going to be a high water usage day, no matter whether you contribute before, during or after the halftime festivities. Go ahead and call an urban legend an urban legend. The credibility will come in handy the next time you have to point out that the president is lying.

* Sorry, a "that's not what" lede still qualifies as a "that's what" lede, and thus is on the banned list. And you're short a few hyphens, too.probably jget one
** Why a porta-john would be "closed for halftime," given that you could probably help the situation by having a few of them trucked in from Oakland or Wayne, is a question for the ages.

Forbidden ledes

As a general rule, never start a news story -- or, for that matter, any piece of writing that isn't specifically about you and your choice in stereotypes -- by announcing your choice in stereotypes. For one thing, readers might assume that you're more interested in proclaiming how the world ought to work than in observing how it does. And for another ...

Hair pulled into a ponytail, Nike tennis shoes, jeans.

... people might say, "Hey! That sounds just like the guy I had for high school chemistry in 1970!"

You're just toying with us now

Were we trying to use up all our Great Cliches before the fiscal year ends, or what?

Bed bugs and lady bugs and lice, oh my!

All three insects are included in new bills introduced in the state Legislature last week.

Apparently someone missed the front page last Sunday, or the lede by the same writer two days before that. Or else we're getting in shape for that balloon race in which the top prize is a painting by a mustachioed surrealist/

On the bright side ...

... at least it doesn't say "Buh-bye." There's nothing else to cheer in the return of the Most Favoritest Misbegotten Lede of the downtown fishwraps:

Bye bye pop can.

That’s what the Detroit Fire Department might be saying soon to its rigged-up emergency alert system. It could get replaced — for free — by one of several philanthropic software companies that recently learned just how bad things are in Detroit.

The Freep stylebook doesn't address "bye-bye," but Webster's puts in the hyphen. Last time we set up the "that's what" with a form of direct address, at least we remembered the Donner Party comma:

Sayonara, prison life.

That’s what Monica Conyers can say now that her federal prison sentence for bribery is officially over.

And, alas, "replaced by" has at least one extra meaning too many to work here.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, I really got a lot out of the play. 

 

 

Root, root, root for ... no, don't

The "that's what" contagion seems to be spreading downtown:

Batter up!

That’s the phrase that will likely ring out at Comerica Park on Friday as hundreds of youngsters from throughout metro Detroit gather at the Tigers’ home field for the 13th annual Willie Horton’s Batting for Kids baseball challenge.

To take the taste away, here's some "Roly Poly Mickey Lolich."

Forbidden ledes: Thumb test

Today's tip: When you're tempted to begin your story with one of the Great Cliches,  stop for a moment and put your thumb over the cliche. If the ensuing text makes just as much sense as it did before, go ahead and delete your precious lede. (Yes, even if it's just a brief.) Your readers will be none the wiser, but if they were, they'd thank you.

That's what: Threat or menace?

You guys are just toying with us now, aren't you?

Gang members, or misunderstood rap fans?

That’s what a federal judge will soon decide about the “Juggalos” — fans of Detroit music duo Insane Clown Posse, which claims the FBI is giving its fans a bad rap by labeling them as dangerous gang members.

Sigh. If it wasn't a good idea Saturday and it wasn't a good idea last week, why would it suddenly have become a good idea for today? Not that things get much better as we go along:

The FBI says it has only labeled a “subset” of the Juggalos as gang members — not the entire fan base — and wants a judge to dismiss a lawsuit alleging that the gang-designation is causing ICP to lose fans and violates the freedom of expression rights of Juggalos.

U.S. District Judge Robert Cleland today said he will issue a decision in two to three weeks in a lawsuit that has pitted the FBI’s rights to investigate gangs against the rights of music fans to express themselves freely without fear of retaliation.

No, they're the same lawsuit (as is the "a lawsuit" in the following graf) -- suggesting that we want a nonrestrictive clause, to make clear we're adding more information about the one that's already in play.

It'd be nice if the genuinely good (and expensive) public-interest reporting the paper still occasionally does didn't come amid so many distractions.

That's a plenty

What with a particularly bodacious cops lede in the morning fishwrap:

Got ’em.

U.S. Marshals captured escapee No. 3 — a convicted drug dealer who disappeared last month with his two cohorts just before the jury delivered its guilty verdicts in one of the biggest drug trials in Detroit history.

... it seemed like a good time to revisit the Forbidden Lede front, especially since a regular offender has been showing up rather often:

Enough with the calls.

That’s what one consumer is telling Kohl’s in a federal lawsuit that claims the department store is stalking her and harassing her by phone over an overdue credit card bill, calling her at all hours of the night over what she calls a measly $20. (June 17)

=====

He stole from the dead to pay for cable TV.

That’s what a mortician’s assistant is accused of doing nearly a year ago after transporting a man’s body from the morgue to a Detroit funeral home, according to court documents filed in U.S. District Court. (June 11)

=====

 In the end, cooperation worked.

That’s what the government learned in relying on Derrick Miller for help in putting away corrupt politicians and crooked contractors. (May 29)

=====

Detroit may have a serious violent crime problem, an international border to keep an eye on and ongoing public corruption scandals to contend with.

But other cities have it bad, too.

That's what FBI Director James Comey said Tuesday during his first visit to Detroit since getting sworn in as America's seventh FBI chief eight months ago. (April 30)

Read more »

In that case, why tell me?

If covering the lede with duct tape actually adds to the value of the story beneath, you're probably dealing with one of the Forbidden Ledes. Call for professional help at once.

And while we're at it: If the record was achieved "with the more than 2 inches that fell Saturday," how come the first named source says on Saturday that "we went over the top last night"?

Oil, that is

If you've been trying to sneak in a Forbidden Lede over at the Fair 'n' Balanced Network, Christmas has come very, very early for you:

Call it a puppy's Christmas "Miracle."

A teeny, tiny puppy from Colorado survived harrowing odds to be born in time for the holiday.

Just call him Santa Kitna.

Jon Kitna, who came out of retirement this week to rejoin the Dallas Cowboys as an emergency backup QB, was teaching math and coaching football at a high school when opportunity came knocking. And now that he's back in the league, he hasn't forgotten where he came from.

Better hurry before the Grinch gets there.

How the other half lives

You might indeed have awakened on some planet with twelve ammonia-fueled suns, whereon the feckless Kenyan's handshake with the murderous dictator of Cuba was dwarfed only by the "international incident" he and his friends created with somebody's iPhone:

Call it the selfie seen 'round the world.

No, don't. Has no one at the Fair 'n' Balanced Network even heard of the list of Forbidden Ledes?

Among the enduring images from Nelson Mandela's massive memorial service in Johannesburg Tuesday will be one of a jovial President Obama taking a cell phone pic with his seat-mates, Denmark's Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt and Britain's David Cameron.

As the three of them smile for the camera, a stern-looking Michelle Obama can be seen staring straight ahead, hands clasped. As if to remind anyone who sees this photo years from now that it was, after all, a memorial service for one of the great human rights leaders.

More about that in a minute, because we're skating up to the point at which the goofy theoretical stuff actually starts to explain the practical stuff fairly well. But first, this:

The tsk-tsk-ing could be heard across continents.
Read more »

That's kind of why it's "news"

We haven't checked in on the dominant local fishwrap's "it's official" tally since -- why, since the same reporter wrote about the same radio personality back in May. Let's see what the staff has been up to since then:

It’s official: As promised, Alex Rodriguez has appealed the 211-game suspension that was to have started today. (Aug. 8)

It's official: Spartans hire Curtis Blackwell to oversee recruiting (Aug. 2)

It's official: Oakland University is a member of Horizon League (July 2)

It’s official: Kid Rock will step on stage Aug. 20 and propel himself into Detroit’s record books. (June 19)

It's official: M. Roy Wilson new president of Wayne State University (June 5)

What, you have to wonder, could be the appeal at this point of "it's official"? Will someone please just stop?

Today in cognitive dissonance

Hey, boys and girls! Let's see if we can help the Fair 'n' Balanced Network answer these adjacent questions from the top stories on the homepage!

First up: Why are so many people avoiding vaccinations?

Two words are at the top of most American’s minds this winter: flu season.
Read more »

On ledes and banning them

A certain beloved lede has been a regular visitor down at the Kwame Kilpatrick trial:

Unlikable and criminal.

That's how the government has cast over the last three months what it calls the Kilpatrick Enterprise, firing off story after story about alleged extortion and rigged contracts, misused charity funds, hidden cash and lavish lifestyles bankrolled by wealthy businessmen. (Jan. 2)

===== 

First, ex-Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick crashed his Christmas party. Then, Kilpatrick never sent him a thank-you note for paying off his nearly $5,000 layaway bill for some suits.

That's what contractor Johnson Akinwusi told jurors in Kilpatrick's public corruption trial Friday, saying he was shut out of city contracts until he did things to make Kilpatrick happy. (Dec. 15)

=====

Bankrupt or not, Christine Beatty is not off the hook for the nearly $85,000 in restitution she still owes the City of Detroit stemming from the text message scandal involving her former lover, ex-Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick.

That's what the Wayne County Prosecutor's Office says in light of news that Beatty, Kilpatrick's former chief of staff and mistress, has filed for bankruptcy in Georgia. (Dec. 4)

Read more »

Never, ever do this

OK, kids, let's start the semester with a Rule of Journalism: Write what you know, not what you guess or speculate.

Writing Thursday for Friday's paper, then, you might know that X number of people "were" in jail at some point on Thursday. You do not know whether any or all of them "are" in jail. Plainly and simply, you are making stuff up, and that is not allowed. You have no idea what might have happened between when you made your last phone call and when the fishwrap hits the sidewalks.

You can take Your Editor's word for it in the abstract, or you could simply read your own deathless prose:

Agro and three other employees -- a manager and two people dispensing pot -- were arrested and released without charges later.

It doesn't matter whether they were released without charges, or whether they made bail, or whether Butch and Sundance busted 'em out while Andy and Barney were looking the other way. Your story is what you know -- not what you want to say because you want to spin your story forward. Same goes for "is in critical condition today"; if you can see into the medical future that well, you're in the wrong business. Make it "was in critical condition Thursday night."

The Quote of the Day, drawn from the story, suggests an equally serious offense somewhere:

"This is Michigan. This is not a Cheech and Chong movie," Oakland County Sheriff Mike Bouchard said.

Hee hee! Sheriff Mike ought to spend a little more time on the mean streets of Language Czarina's little hometown here. But somebody else needs to spend a little more time hunched over the tape recorder. Here's the other paper's take:

"This is Michigan, not some Cheech and Chong movie," Oakland County Sheriff Michael Bouchard said Thursday at a news conference.

The two stylebooks can mud-wrestle over Mike vs. Michael all they want, but quotes aren't optional. Quotes -- we like to claim -- represent the exact words of the speaker, and only one of these can qualify.

This isn't a big difference or a change in meaning; it isn't even really a change in tone. But it's a difference, and it means at least one of the papers at the press conference doesn't mind making stuff up. That's not good.

Evil editing

Q: Is there a special part of hell reserved for editors who put the Great Cliches into other people's ledes?
A: Yes.
Q: Is it, you know, hot?
A: Really, really hot.

Just a suggestion for whoever decided to take this less-than-thrilling but pretty adequate lede:*

NBC confirmed Sunday what the television world already knew — that the network would end Jay Leno’s prime-time show in one month and return him to 11:35 p.m., bumping “The Tonight Show” and its host, Conan O’Brien, to 12:05 a.m.

... and turned it into this:

It's official: NBC will end Jay Leno's prime-time show in one month and return him to 11:35p.m., bumping "The Tonight Show" and its host, Conan O'Brien, to 12:05 a.m.

Hard to see why you'd do it to your own prose, but doing it to someone else's -- wow, something wicked this way comes.

In the age of local-local-local, why is a New York Times story from Pasadena about national late-night TV above the fold on 1A? Silly rabbit. National news never really went away; we've still got plenty of sports, television and colorful promos for new film releases on the front, along with the occasional Missing Mom. It's just that annoying policy stuff we got rid of. Make sense now?

* From nytimes.com, but it's also the version at Lexis.

That's that

Add to your list of ledes to be shot on sight: the "that's what."

"That's what" doesn't show up in the lede itself. It begins the second paragraph after an unsupported assertion, like this:

Embattled political consultant Sam Riddle not only pointed a shotgun at his live-in girlfriend when she apparently caught him with another woman, but he cocked the weapon, too.

That's what Magistrate Renee McDuffee said in setting a $25,000 bond for Riddle during his Tuesday arraignment on charges of felonious assault and using a firearm to commit a felony.

Unless you're James Thurber (which you aren't), the results will make you look silly. Except when you're dealing with cop stories, in which case it makes you look like a shill for the cops. Don't. Any lede that requires "that's what" attribution in the following graf is a Lede of Satan and must be destroyed or kicked back for rewriting.

This outstanding late entry in the Zeugma of the Year contest is also worth noting:

He also must stay away from former state Rep. Mary Waters, with whom he shared a townhouse on Navarre Place in Detroit and federal charges for alleged bribes to secure approval for a pawnshop to locate in Southfield.

Don't tell me. He made up his mind and a grab for the shotgun?

Forbidden ledes

For all you junior league players out there,* here's a diagnostic test. When removing the lede paragraph from a story produces utterly no effect whatsofreakingever on the subsequent content, you have a lede you should kill. As in:

Call it good news that could be a whole lot better.

Cancer incidence decreased about 1 percent a year from 1999 to 2006, and deaths dropped an average of 1.6 percent a year from 2001 to 2006, according to a report released by the National Cancer Institute, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the American Cancer Society and the North American Association of Central Cancer Registries.

"Call it" is your first hint. It's on the master list of Forbidden Ledes, which should have been freshly etched on your forehead with a soldering iron this month, owing to the high likelihood of Christmas coming early and grinches doing stuff to unlocked cars and all that. But more to the point: Place your thumb over the first graf. Read the second graf. Now go back and read the first graf.** Might as well throw the poor thing out, gratuitous reporterly judgment and all.

You shouldn't kill ledes at random, true. Editors look out for writers' interests as zealously as they look out for readers' interests. But both those parties are served best when the Great Cliches are quietly left to die on the floor of the composing room. Really.

* Sorry, too much Don Cherry in the media diet of late up here.
** If you're a Fox reader, remember to raise that thumb first!***
*** That wasn't very nice, was it? Won't happen again.