Forget flood. Interview Satan.

There's good news tonight, Mr. and Mrs. America, and it's right there in the No. 3 position on the Fair 'n' Balanced homepage:

A Michigan lawmaker has snatched victory from the clutches of Satan, just in time for Christmas.

Forget flood. Interview God Satan!

A nativity scene will grace the Statehouse lawn in Lansing after all, instead of leaving a satanic display as the capitol’s only holiday exhibit. The creche was saved when state Sen. Rick Jones volunteered to ensure that the Christian display would be packed up each night to comply with regulations.
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War On ... oh, the hell with it

And there were in the same country shepherds Christmas tree farmers abiding in the ... O hai! Wondering how the "Christmas tree 'tax'" got to be the third most super-important story of the afternoon at the Fair 'n' Balanced Network? For that, you're going to have to travel back in time a little bit -- specifically, to November 2011, when the Kenyan Muslim socialist (not pictured) had just imposed a tax on Christmas!

Or not:

The push for a Christmas tree "tax" is back.

Think there's a reason for the scare quotes?
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Don't give up your day job

This is the first and greatest commandment of knockoff doggerel: It has to scan. Not "almost," not "most of the time," but relentlessly and throughout, else you are no craftsperson. And that increases the likelihood that you will be mocked through the streets by urchins. Take it away, Las Vegas Review Journal!

’Twas the season of Christmas, and all through the land

OK so far ...

Were signs and symbols some folks couldn’t stand

BZZZZT! Those pesky anapests claim another victim.

The evergreen conifer many decorate with glee,
But don’t you dare call it a Christmas tree.

Those two kind of work, if you close your eyes and imagine the Child Knights of the Round Table as voiced by Yogi Bear.
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Hark him yourself

Rest ye easy, friends and neighbors. We're not going to be chronicling the Global War on Xpesmas every day for the next two months or anything. But it wouldn't do to let this awesome bit of syntactic reconstruction by Fox's Culture Wars bureau pass by unnoticed:

The angels will not be allowed to hark their herald nor will the little Lord Jesus sleep on the hay after a New Jersey school district announced a ban on all religious Christmas music.
 
Lehrer, thou shouldst be gigging at this hour.

Constance Bauer, the superintendent of the Bordentown Regional School District, posted a message online stating someone had been questioning recent musical selections for the elementary school Christmas concerts.

Pardon me, the school district calls them “winter” concerts.

My guess is that a perpetually offended left-winger became unglued when they heard that little boys and girls might be pa rum pum pum pum.

I'm thinking there wants to be a participle in there somewhere, unless rum pum pum pum is a little closer to hem hem chiz chiz kaff than we think, in which case Fox can really get its holly-jolly in a twist. 

FOY War on Christmas

I think I saw an Xpesmasse tree in full regalia during the game Wednesday night, so it shouldn't be a real surprise that the War on Christmas begins as early as Halloween these days. Take it away, Fair 'n' Balanced Network:

Hallmark, the Kansas City greeting card company, edited the lyrics of "Deck the Halls" on one of its 2013 ornaments to omit the word 'gay' and has received criticism on its Facebook page that puts the company in an unfamiliar position of defending a product. 

The original carol verse goes: "Don we now our gay apparel." But Hallmark's version, which appears on a Christmas ornament designed as an ugly Christmas sweater goes: "Don we now our FUN apparel."

And what are the outraged citizens saying?

The company's Facebook page has received posts criticizing the decision to change the lyric. One post read, "Hallmark is insinuating that gay people dress differently than anyone else. If I were gay, I would be more upset with that."

A woman who described herself as a Gold Crown Rewards member, posted that by changing the lyric, the company made an unnecessary political statement.

Seem a little mild? It's a little livelier in the Fox story's comments:
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If you don't know by now ...

Maybe it's true. Nobody at the Fair 'n' Balanced Network actually knows the answer, so they're just kinda crowdsourcing it. Be sure to help them out if they call!

A Christmas display outside the courthouse in Leesburg, VA featuring Santa Claus crucified on a cross was torn down by an angry resident in spite of arguments by elected leaders that the display was Constitutionally-protected free speech.

Anyway. Believe it or not, the War on Christmas itself doesn't actually appear to be a separate beat at Fox. It's part of a larger beat, the shape of which you can discern in this set of recent representative stories from the same writer who produced today's frontpage piece:


School Bans Song Lyrics with Jesus, Santa or Christmas
A New Jersey high school admits that it “inadvertently” censored Christmas songs that include the words God, Jesus, Santa, Christmas and Chanukah – in place of music that would not be “belief-specific.” (Dec. 6)

U.S. Military to Rescind Policy Banning Bibles at Hospital
Walter Reed National Military Medical Center said they are rescinding a policy that prohibits family members of wounded military troops from bringing Bibles or any religious reading materials to their loved ones. (Dec. 2)

Fort Worth Bans Santa From Classrooms
Students and parents in Forth Worth, TX are outraged after the school district declared that Christmas celebrations – including Santa Claus would no longer be allowed during the school day. (Dec. 2)
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And there went out a decree ...

The short answer is "none." The longer answer -- well, that's why we have a Fair 'n' Balanced Network, isn't it?

Our story so far:

One of Christmas' most recognizable symbols apparently needs a PR campaign -- and a new tax to pay for it.

"One of the most recognizable" -- meaning what? Rudolph? The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come? The little dude in swaddling clothes?

The Obama administration has imposed a 15-cent tax on Christmas trees in order to pay for a new board tasked with promoting the Christmas tree industry.

Aha! That's why we get to run the picture of the scary Kenyan Muslim socialist sizing up his next victim.

The new fee and board were announced in the Federal Register on Tuesday, to be effective Wednesday. According to the Agriculture Department announcement, the government will impose a 15-cent-per-tree charge on "producers and importers" of fresh Christmas trees, provided they sell or import more than 500 trees a year.
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Question-beggar's banquet

Q: At which major national news organization is this actually a story?

 A: That's tough. Could it be the one that has a whole beat devoted to ....

The House of Representatives passed a bi-partisan resolution Tuesday night reaffirming “In God We Trust” as the official motto of the United STates. The 396-9 vote came at the request of Rep. Randy Forbes (R-VA)  – in part over President Obama’s refusal to correct remarks he made that misstated the motto as “E pluribus unum” instead of “In God We Trust.”

Lawmakers voting against “In God We Trust” include Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY), Rep. Gary Ackerman (D-NY), Rep. Justin Amash (R-Mich), Rep. Judy Chu (D-CA), Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO), Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA), Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA), Rep. Bobby Scott (D-VA), and Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA). Voting present were Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) and Rep. Melvin Watt (D-NC).

I'm inclined to add the War on Christmas to John's evergreen list of holiday bilge to spike on sight. But it's worth noting that in the view of (ahem) some agencies, the War on Christmas is only a skirmish in the main battle. If you cannot bring yourself to ignore those folks, please be sure they are publicly ridiculed at every opportunity.