Get off my lawn. Here's why.

I'm not suggesting that a single screenshot actually means that Great Cthulhu is loose again and ravening for delight, but -- supposing he was, do you think we could return to the days when headlines told you what happened, rather than what the story was likely to contain?

That, after all, used to be the real challenge of hed writing: "Amazon to city: Too many morons, too few trains" would have been fun, as would "Amazon: Worst corporate suck-up since the NFL." So I'd like assent to add "Here's why" heds to the list of constructions that are banned under all circumstances, forever.

I'm not especially persuaded by the clause-now-clause or clause-then-clause that you kids are using these days, either. Oh, for the days of "Hotel agrees to settle with poisoning victim's family." And with the whole third line to spare there, is there any particular reason not to tell people which town near Charlotte?

Get me one while you're up

Tell me this is just coincidence, please.

What the president is getting is "flak," a noncount noun meaning more or less "grief" (originally from a German acronym for "antiaircraft cannon"). A "flack" is a shill. Time was, if you couldn't tell the difference, you weren't ready to write heds for the front page of a rag the caliber of the N&O, whence this example is drawn -- much less slot 1A heds or sign off on the page.

So surely it's mere chance (p = .875) that today also marks the appearance of a parody front honoring the latest victims of downsizing at the same paper.* The farewell mockup of the frontpage is a time-honored tradition** in newsrooms. But I've never seen a page for a few dozen people at once.***

It's an exceptionally good example of the farewell front, with almost enough sharp elbows thrown in almost enough faces. But the real, genuine, 50-cents-a-copy 1A makes the point even better: Sooner or later, you're going to be sorry you threw all your old hands over the side.

* And three million cheers to Romenesko for posting it.
** There's a particularly evil example in the lower gallery, actually. Strayhorn wrote the "Line of Death" peri lede. Of course.
*** I never worked at the N&O, so this casualty list isn't as personal as some of the other recent ones. I recognize a good number of names, though I wouldn't recognize their owners.

Better drowned than duffers

If not duffers, won't screw up their cliches in huge type in the 1A centerpiece. When you "weigh" [5. a. Naut. To heave up (a ship's anchor) from the ground, before sailing] the anchor, it's "aweigh." Not "away." Hence the title of the Navy's march, "Anchors Aweigh."

Now, to avoid being mistaken for Pilotless Drone Man, we ought to point out a couple of things. One, back before the English learned to spell, "weigh" often came out "wye" or "wey" -- even "way." Two, the homonym "away" crops up in the sort of phrases -- chocks away there, Biggles, old shoehorn! -- that make the confusion understandable. But all that aside, if you don't want to flood your in-box with questions about your education, patriotism and general fitness to breathe the same air as the public at large, look stuff up before you commit it to big type.

It's always possible, of course, that the Herald is just trying to take our minds off the appearance of another Anna Nicole Smith story in the lede position. Another sign of the apocalypse from the glory that was Knight-Ridder.

Slotting: Always in style

Let's start by assuming that anybody who wants to has been collecting Fox's heds on the wayward astronaut tale all day long (Houston, we have a problem! Spaced out astronaut! The wrong stuff! What was she thinking?) You pays your money and you takes your choice. But no matter where Fox sets its ever-reliable Taste-O-Meter, you'd like to think somebody would point how many exits past clueless it is to write "Cosmic Love Triangle" under a photo of three people unless all three are known inhabitants of the aforesaid geometric love grotto.

"Taste" is a command decision. In a way, it's above your pay grade. As a rimrat, you're not going to make the Post into the Times or vice versa. But if you're going to be a tabloid, try not to be a dumb one.

The question mark, to say the least, doesn't help.

For extra credit: Which possible player goes best with that last verb phrase in the cutline?