That's not how any of this works

To avoid a long disquisition on whether well executed or poorly executed news is better for the health of the republic, or whether the quality of news makes any difference at all, consider (above) what you have to wade through upon logging in to the airport* wi-fi in hopes of seeing what "the news" might look like.

For the record, no. Dog owners are not less likely to die, nor more likely to die, than the rest of us. Any sudden outburst of immortality on your part is entirely down to chance. There is no statistically significant effect of the treatment. We are all going to die. Is that clear?

Whether there's a significant effect of the malevolent cluelessness of our little friends at the Fair 'n' Balanced Network is a different matter (behold the morning's lead story). I think the jury's still out; there's some evidence indicating that Fox makes people stupid, but it's hard to rule out the antecedent idea that stupid makes people Fox. Either way, if you get there by way of the strange belief that some dog owners live forever,you get pretty much entirely what you pay for.

* DFW, thanks. North half west for the Long Sand head.