Stop press!

Common cold cured! Fractious Near East at peace! New all-aluminum F150 runs on blend of moonbeams and angel farts!

OK, it may be true that no Detroit newspaper could actually turn down a 1A story that says "aluminum F150" in the lede, but this one doesn't even get that far. Behold the top story in this morning's Freep:

Americans are getting fatter — and so are the crash test dummies used to test the cars they drive.

You almost wish they'd just play pin-the-tail-in-the-other-191-countries-in-the-world and run some news already.