Tuesday, January 18, 2011

You must remember this

Somewhere in French North Africa. A smoky bar full of copy editors. Rick, the owner, approaches his favorite slot.

RICK: Sam, Ferrari wants you to work for him at Lake Superior State.
SAM: I like it fine here.
RICK: He'll let you banish new words every year.
SAM: I ain't got time to banish the ones they're using now.

As a matter of general policy, we don't want to get much in the habit of picking on individual reporters* around here, but -- do you think anyone downtown has noticed what happens when you plug a certain byline and a certain two-word Thurberian phrase into the search function?

Jan. 18
For a man who insisted he didn't need a lawyer, he may be getting more legal help than he's entitled to.

That's what federal prosecutors are suggesting in the case of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian national charged with trying to blow up a Detroit-bound airliner with a bomb hidden in his underwear on Christmas Day, 2009.

Jan. 15

Issam (Sam) Hamama may have lied about his ties to Iraqi intelligence, but that didn't make him a full-fledged spy for Saddam Hussein's regime.

That's what a federal jury in Detroit concluded Friday when it acquitted Hamama of working as an Iraqi spy in the U.S. during the 1990s, but convicted him of lying to investigators.

Jan. 12
There's no way a man could have blown up an airliner using explosives hidden in his briefs.

That's what defense attorney Anthony Chambers is claiming in his latest court filing involving Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian national charged with trying to blow up a Detroit-bound airliner with a homemade bomb in his underwear on Dec. 25, 2009.

Dec. 29
Heroin for grandma?

That's what an international airline passenger told federal agents in Detroit this week after getting busted trying to sneak $50,000 worth of heroin into the country, according to a criminal complaint filed Monday in U.S. District Court in Detroit.

Nov. 30
Bobby Ferguson told me to do it and promised me a cut on the deal in exchange.

That's what Northville businessman Rodney Burrell told a federal judge Monday when he pleaded guilty to knowing about -- but failing to disclose -- a $12-million bid-rigging scheme involving Ferguson, a contractor and longtime pal of ex-Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick.

Nov. 24

Monica Conyers doesn't have a good enough reason to take back her guilty plea and her sudden claim of innocence doesn't cut it.

That's what the federal government argued in court documents filed Monday with the U.S. 6th Circuit Court of Appeals, where Conyers is fighting to have her guilty plea withdrawn.

Same day, same section (srsly; if journalism was hockey, you'd be one cliche away from a free order of curly fries at Arby's)
Investment adviser by day.

Sugar daddy by night?

That's what federal authorities allege a Farmington Hills man amounted to in running a Ponzi scheme in which he conned elderly investors into giving him their money.

Oct. 3
Fewer kids are afraid of ecstasy.

And the drug dealers know it.

That's what federal drug authorities, researchers and prosecutors say they believe is driving a comeback of ecstasy, the once-popular party drug that's seeping back into Detroit by the truckloads.

Sept. 23
We are not targets.

That's what Ayanna Kilpatrick, sister of ex-Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, and the Rev. Edgar Vann, Kwame Kilpatrick's former pastor, said Tuesday after testifying for several hours in front of a federal grand jury believed to be probing public corruption in the city.

Sounds like it's time for a bit of a moratorium, doesn't it? Or a chorus of the Marseillaise, one.

* Columnists, of course, are a different matter.



Blogger Strayhorn said...

Mebbe he's just a fan of the obscure Cab Calloway tune "What's that? That's what!"

9:10 AM, January 19, 2011  
Blogger The Ridger, FCD said...

So, the function of his "that's what" is to say "There's absolutely no proof that what you just read is true! Gosh, hope you didn't stop after the lede!"

9:53 AM, January 20, 2011  

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