It's $45 at Home Depot

It doesn't take a lot to make a top story at the Fox News homepage,* but a few key hurdles do need to be cleared. Brown People Behaving Badly + Liberal Hypocrisy + Commies + They're Being Mean to Mister Trump Again is hard to beat as a starting lineup:

New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani has officially moved into the historic Gracie Mansion, and he's already hoping to make changes. The mayor spoke to reporters on Jan. 12 and shared his "aspirational hope" to have a few bidets installed in the mayor's residence.

"One thing that we will change is we will be installing a few bidets into Gracie Mansion," Mamdani said. "That’s an aspirational hope. We’ll see if we can get it done."

A prominent New York City Democrat mocked the mayor's idea, painting it as a rich man's fantasy coming from someone who preaches socialism.

Well, now you've got my attention. James Carville? (Nah, not New York enough.) The "Pod Save America" boys? Andrew Cuomo himself?

"He’s been mayor for a minute and now the socialist thinks he’s flush with so much cash he can buy bidets," the prominent Democrat, who asked to remain anonymous, told Fox News Digital.

Oh. 

When speaking to Fox News Digital, the prominent Democrat pointed out the difference between the reaction to Mamdani's "aspirational hope" to add bidets versus President Donald Trump's renovations to the White House's Lincoln Bedroom bathroom.

Trump posted photos of the renovated bathroom on Truth Social in November celebrating the upgrade which included "highly-polished, statuary marble." While the president argued that the renovation was in line with the original vision for the space, historians disagreed and comedians mocked him. John Oliver, the host of "Last Week Tonight," called it "tone-deaf."

The president's renovations to the East Wing ballroom have also drawn criticism and mockery with Democrats taking aim at the president over the project. House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, D-N.Y., said during an appearance on MSNBC that Trump "found time to demolish the East Wing of the White House so that he can build a ballroom where he can be celebrated as if he was a king."

The East Wing renovation was mocked on "Saturday Night Live," which did a skit featuring James Austin Johnson as Trump and Miles Teller as Drew and Jonathan Scott from HGTV's popular home makeover show "The Property Brothers." The mockery didn't end there. During a "Weekend Update" segment, Michael Che said he was glad the floor looked "slippery," according to the Architect's Newspaper.

OK, there's one element we've left out of the key ingredients: a blithe indifference to how things work in the real world. Fox doesn't say how close it is to a Home Depot, but over on the other side of the freeway. the Brondell FreshSpa Comfort+ is going for $44.98.* Comrade Mamdani didn't say how many bidets were in "a few," but there's a dual-temperature version for $76.99, with a limit of five per order. Discounts on a couple of Bio Bidet models take them down to the low $200 range. There's no indication in the story of whether Mamdani is feeling handy from all those years in that spacious rent-controlled apartment, or if the  -- how's that, New York Post? -- "petulant and ungrateful" first lady would want to help, but surely some comrade is available to help them keep the total under four (perhaps even three!) figures.

Now, to be objective and all, the 12th paragraph does provide some guesses from a "home-improvement cost and contractor marketplace": an "average cost" of $640 to install a bidet, though "costs can run as low as $40 or as high as $2,000." And, to be scrupulously fair, there is this concluding graf:

New York City's Department of Environmental Protection celebrated Mamdani's announcement, saying that "more bidets = fewer wet wipes."

But the real point, as the afternoon's lead story, is hard to overlook. Mister Trump is just trying to provide a few marble reading racks for all the national defense information that replaces "More Jokes for the John," and those pesky late-night comedians won't give him a moment's rest. You can see how the Fox audience would be refreshed and ready to return to the front lines in Grenland.

As long as we're on sourcing, though, enjoy these opening grafs from another Saturday Fox epic:

EXCLUSIVE: PANGUITCH, Utah — One of Tyler Robinson's last meals as a free man may have been at a roadside steakhouse off the beaten path, according to a Utah restaurateur who called in a tip to the FBI after news of the 22-year-old electrician's arrest in the assassination of Turning Point USA founder Charlie Kirk.

Staff at a mom-and-pop restaurant in Panguitch, Utah, about three hours south of the crime scene in Orem, said a customer who looked like Robinson had eaten alone at the counter on the night of the murder.

"So the gal that served him said that he was quite quiet, kind of shy," the restaurant owner, who said he is not seeking attention about the encounter and asked not to be named, told Fox News Digital. "Usually, if somebody sits at our counter, they like to talk. And he sat on the counter and she said he really didn't want to talk, just wanted to eat and get out."

* 11:57 a.m. Eastern US, Saturday, Jan. 17, in the year of our Lord the 2,026th, if you're scoring along at home.
** $25 additional off your total order if you open a new card account!