Elongated yellow Hormel product

The only Elongated Yellow Fruit reference in the text of this Post masterpiece is to "the Hormel product." But surely the headline gets bonus points for "the wildly popular 'mystery meat.'"

Should you wonder how far the gospel of "omit needless words" has fallen? No, don't:

Elsewhere on the island at about the same time, three women loaded up shopping carts at a Long’s drugstore with 18 cases of — you guessed it — Spam. They made a rush for the exit.  Fortunately, an alert customer, Pleasedon't Embarrassmefurther, saw the attempted heist in progress, stationed himself at the door on Spam patrol and stopped them in their tracks. They shoved the carts toward at him and took off, Embarrassmefurther told KITV4.

Could you go on? Of course. But eventually, you'll find yourself asking whether the story itself is one long string of needless words.