Stop the press!!!!!!!!!!

All right, all right. Here's another candidate for Hed of the Century, innocently reporting that Catholic leaders are visiting the Vatican, and some of you yahoos out there are elbowing each other in the ribs. "Where's the bear?" you're asking. Well, the bear was on the front page. The lede story on the front page, as it turns out. With a whole family of bears. Is that enough bears for you?

It appears that there were indeed more than two bears, and that's more or less how the bears became the Topmost Super-Important Story of the Day at the largest surviving newspaper in our little mitten-shaped paradise. See, the nimrod in question was apparently a little cheesed off at how wildlife officials had characterized the encounter, so he took matters into his own hands:

Fortune, a 21-year-old service adviser for a car dealership, called the Free Press today to dispute a characterization by state officials of his attackers as “a sow and three cubs.”

“They may have been related. But those were full grown bears,” Fortune said.

Fortune said he was annoyed by reports from the Department of Natural Resources and Environment that suggested the attack might have been attributed to his attendance at a family picnic earlier in the day, and the smell of fried food clinging to his clothes.

“I had different clothes on … hunting clothes. There was no smell of picnic on them,” he said. “I don’t know what happened.”

Just a few years ago, you know, this newspaper still had its own correspondent overseas.