Missed opportunity
Community aide charged
in assault at Club Vogue
The grammar's in order, the split's all right, the facts appear (mostly) OK, but this is still a weak hed choice. Why? Read the lede: "A community services aide with the Columbia Police Department ..." Oh.
A hed has limited room for detail, and here it's spent in the wrong place: the club where the arrest was made, rather than what a "community aide" might be and why we might care. Try it this way:
Civilian police employee
accused of assault at club
The police connection -- the reason this story merits a big hed and midpage play on 3A -- is in the top line. "Charged in assault" assumes that there was an assault; "accused of ..." leaves open the possibility that there wasn't.
Look for words that count, not just words that fit.
And while we're at it:
Columbia police responded at about 1 a.m. and took Omboga into custody, releasing him on his own signature after questioning, Martin said.
This is a nice illustration of why "police responded" should never appear in a news story. If they took the guy into custody, it's pretty evident that they were there. Leave out the chronology and get to the point:
Omboga was arrested about 1 a.m. and released on his own signature after questioning, Martin said.
Chorus? That saves a line. Eight lines is an inch. An inch less foam means an inch more beer.
in assault at Club Vogue
The grammar's in order, the split's all right, the facts appear (mostly) OK, but this is still a weak hed choice. Why? Read the lede: "A community services aide with the Columbia Police Department ..." Oh.
A hed has limited room for detail, and here it's spent in the wrong place: the club where the arrest was made, rather than what a "community aide" might be and why we might care. Try it this way:
Civilian police employee
accused of assault at club
The police connection -- the reason this story merits a big hed and midpage play on 3A -- is in the top line. "Charged in assault" assumes that there was an assault; "accused of ..." leaves open the possibility that there wasn't.
Look for words that count, not just words that fit.
And while we're at it:
Columbia police responded at about 1 a.m. and took Omboga into custody, releasing him on his own signature after questioning, Martin said.
This is a nice illustration of why "police responded" should never appear in a news story. If they took the guy into custody, it's pretty evident that they were there. Leave out the chronology and get to the point:
Omboga was arrested about 1 a.m. and released on his own signature after questioning, Martin said.
Chorus? That saves a line. Eight lines is an inch. An inch less foam means an inch more beer.
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